The Fat And The Thin Of It Read online

with a very special man and my job from now on is to demonstrate that to him.”

  Jackie cut her animal gaze and sat up. Jill had finally said something she felt was helpful. “Do you think if I asserted myself and did what Terry did, Bob might come back to me?”

  It wasn’t what Jill had wanted to hear. She would rather have heard Jackie say ‘Up Bob’s arse, I can do without him’ or something more akin to that idea of asserting herself, but she answered encouragingly nonetheless. “I think that if you don’t try, you’ll never know.”

  Jackie squared up to Jill and fiddled with the hem of her skirt while she thought for a few moments. “Would you do a really best friend thing for me?”

  Jill smiled. “Try me.”

  Jackie took a deep breath. “Come with me to Ibiza.”

  Jill bit her lip, because Jackie really wasn’t getting the picture. As far as Jill was concerned, Jackie could assert herself with Bob until the cows came home, but he most definitely wouldn’t come home. She could lipo-suction half her body weight and then have a full face and body tuck, but it wouldn’t make the least bit of difference to him. Jackie’s IBM was most definitely not the reason Bob left her. The reason he left her was that he was a huge, greased-up slime-ball of a bastard.

  Period.

  Full stop.

  No other reason whatsoever. A greased up slime-ball of a bastard.

  Oh, yes. I stand corrected.

  A self-centred, up-his-own-arse, greased up slime-ball of a bastard.

  Still, she finally said. “You’re on, you skinny bitch.”

  On Friday morning, Jackie got up before the day had begrudgingly broken. She raided the plastic bag she’d stashed in the wardrobe, counted out two thousand pounds and put them in her handbag.

  It was a bitter cold morning so she dressed in black woollen leggings and a thick roll-neck sweater, pulled on her fur-lined boots and topped the ensemble with a woolly hat and chunky anorak.

  Putting her head quietly round Mark’s bedroom door, she saw he was nestled deep under the duvet, the top of his head barely visible. She hadn’t heard him come in the night before as she’d fallen into a deep, dreamless sleep, and tried to discern in the semi-darkness if the lump under the duvet was of one body or two. Satisfied there was only Mark in the bed, she crept downstairs and left the house.

  There was a freezing fog hanging over her street and Jackie could hardly see the other side of the road as she pulled out of her drive. She turned on the fog lights and drove carefully to Jill’s house, and it took her longer than usual to get there as the other drivers on the road were driving at a snail’s pace as well.

  Jill opened the door to her before she could ring the bell. She beckoned to Jackie to enter and led her to the kitchen.

  “Have you had breakfast yet?” Jill asked.

  “Um…” Jackie wanted to say she had as she was starting a fresh diet, but the smell of buttery toast and scrambled eggs were too tempting. “No, but I only want tea and one slice of toast, please.”

  “Okay.” Jill said.

  After putting a plate of toast and a mug of steaming tea in front of Jackie, Jill placed a plate of scrambled eggs on toast and another mug of tea on a tray and left the kitchen.

  “Where are you going with that?” Jackie asked her back.

  “To Terry,” Jill answered. “He hasn’t got up yet and I felt like surprising him.”

  “Have you told him about Ibiza yet, or are you buttering him up with breakfast in bed first?”

  Jill turned her head. “He knows. I just felt like spoiling him.” She carried on to the stairs.

  Jackie raised her eyebrows and took off her anorak and hat. “Crikey; something must have fallen on that woman’s head.” She muttered.

  Jill came back and drained her cup. “Where are we going so early in the morning?”

  “To the travel agent’s in town.” She answered. “I don’t have any money in the bank to pay for the tickets if we book on line, and before you moan,” she held up a hand. “The tickets are on me.”

  Jill made to protest, but she held her tongue. “Thank you.” She said, smiling with a gracious nod of her head.

  “You’re welcome.” Jackie toasted her with her mug. “I’d like you to come to the bank with me afterwards so I can cancel the direct debits.” She took a sip of tea. “Richard said I should pay the bills personally in case anyone should wonder where I got all the cash if I deposited it.”

  Jill frowned. Jackie could see that she was still suspicious of where all the cash had come from, and so was she, but for now it was all she had to keep herself and Mark afloat. Once she spoke to Bob then she might be able to make other arrangements with him; or might not have to make any other arrangements at all, if he came back home with her.

  For the moment, all Jackie cared about was seeing Bob and letting him know she was aware of what was really going on and gage his reaction. If she saw that he would be willing to come back home, then they could work out a way for him to leave the thieving, pregnant slag and take the plane back with her and Jill. That would most definitely make her one happy bunny. If, on the other, sadder hand, Bob made it clear he was staying put, then they would have to sort out a more permanent economic situation. She would also want to know what he was going to do as far as the kids were concerned; did he have any intention of keeping contact with them? She couldn’t believe he could just walk away from everything, including his kids. That she found too hard to swallow.

  To date, Jackie hadn’t called Chloe to tell her what had happened as she couldn’t really think of a decent explanation. Well, there actually wasn’t a decent explanation. Her dad had left her mum for someone else who was pregnant, and there wasn’t anything decent about that. Not even Mark was completely in the know, either. All he’d seen was his dad driving off into the night, and to be honest, he hadn’t said anything about it or asked questions since. Whether he couldn’t care less or was too scared to know the truth, Jackie didn’t know. However, once she got to speak to Bob face to face, then she’d be better equipped to speak to both her children.

  “A penny for them.” Jill interrupted her thoughts.

  Jackie smiled. “Sorry, I was miles away.”

  “Were you in Ibiza already?”

  Jackie sighed. “Jill, what will I do when we get there? How do I go about approaching Bob? Do I walk up, knock on the door and shout ‘surprise’, or do I call him first… I just don’t know.” She shook her head.

  “We’ll jump each hurdle as we come to it, love.” Jill rubbed her shoulder comfortingly. “I’ll be watching your back, so don’t worry.” She sighed and stretched. “Come on, you. We better get a move on if we’ve got tickets to book and direct debits to cancel.”

  The fog had hardly lifted when they left Jill’s house, and the traffic was still pretty heavy. The car park in town was empty, though, so of all the possible directions the commuters could be taking, it wasn’t to the shops. They decided to pay for a four-hour parking ticket and Jill thought it best to get the tickets before anything else.

  The woman in the travel agent couldn’t have been more helpful. It was clear they hardly had people walk in to book holidays as most people used the internet nowadays, and she painstakingly trawled her contacts for the best package deal. Jackie and Jill walked out of there forty-five minutes later with two flights for Ibiza and a double room in a four star hotel in San Antonio from the following Thursday to Sunday, all for three hundred and ninety pounds.

  “Wow,” said Jackie, pleasantly surprised. “I thought it would cost much more than that.” She took out the rest of the two thousand she’d taken with her and waved it in front of Jill. “We’ve got all this to spend when we get there!”

  “Christ, Jackie!” Jill whispered and shoved Jackie’s hand back in her bag. “Put that away, will you? You’ll get yourself mugged!”

  She had a point there. “Sorry.” Jackie said, and dutifully zipped up her handbag and crossed the strap over her head and across her b
ody. “Shall we go to the bank and change it into Euros? You can ask about cancelling the direct debits for me, then. I haven’t a clue how to go about that.”

  Jill shook her head. “Look, I don’t think it’s such a good idea to cancel them, love. You might be able to persuade Bob to put a regular amount into the account each month to cover the bills before next month’s lot come through.”

  Jackie thought about that. “Well, let’s just ask, okay? I’d feel better about it then.”

  After changing the rest of Jackie’s money into Euros, they sat down and waited for a clerk to attend to them. Jill did all the talking, telling a rather suspicious young man at the desk that the reason Jackie had to cancel the direct debits was because the whole family were shutting up the house and moving in with her ailing mother.

  “As you wish.” Said the young bank clerk, and clicked about on the computer screen in front of him. “Mr Robert Walker, correct?”

  Jackie lifted her hand. “He’s my husband. I’m Jacqueline Walker.” Her smile was more like a grimace when she mentioned ‘husband’, and she tried to relax her face muscles.

  “Right, when your husband arrives, I’ll have all the necessary paperwork ready.” He said as he continued to click the keys.

  Jill and Jackie exchanged glances. Jill coughed and asked, “Does Mr Walker have to sign? Can this not be arranged by his wife?” her smile was like a grimace as well, Jackie noticed. They must look like a pair of gargoyles.

  “The account is in Mr Walker’s name and only he can authorise any changes.” He informed them.

  “Mr Walker is away on business and won’t be back for quite sometime.” Jill told him.

  The young man leaned back in his chair. “Then I’m afraid I can’t cancel anything, madam.” He spread his hands.

  The two women looked at each other again. Jill leaned forward and rested her elbows on the desk. “Let’s see; if we sent these papers to Mr Walker for him to sign, and brought a photocopy of his passport, would that do?”

  The young man sucked air through his teeth. “We cannot make any changes to the account without the account holder present. The only way Mrs Walker could access the account is if Mr Walker was deceased, and she was named as beneficiary to Mr Walker.”

  ‘That could be arranged.’ Jill thought to herself.

  “But there’s no money in the account to pay for the bills, and my friend here has no way of putting money into the account to cover them.” Jill told him.

  “Well, when the bills are rejected, Mr Walker will receive a notification. He can then either transfer money into the account or come here and make a cash deposit, although Mrs Walker would have no problem putting money into the account herself. What she can’t do, however, is make changes to the account itself, but she can deposit all she wants to.”

  Jackie felt like a third sock, the way Jill and this bloke were talking over her head, but she couldn’t have made any contribution to their conversation as she hadn’t a clue what they were waffling on about.

  “Fine,” Jill said flatly and got up, grabbing Jackie’s arm and pulling her to her feet. “Thank you very much for your help.”

  They left the bank feeling rather dejected.

  “Jill, they’re going to cut off the light and gas and phone and…”

  “Sweetheart, they usually send you two or three reminders before you get the red letter.” Jill calmed her friend. “You’ll be alright for a couple of months.”

  “And I do have the money to put into the bank,” Jackie said thoughtfully. “If I was to deposit a couple of hundred, that wouldn’t be so suspicious, would it?”

  “True,” Jill agreed.” Do you want to do it now?”

  “No, that would look too strange after what we’ve just been in there for.” Jackie reasoned, and Jill nodded. “I can come back before we go to Ibiza and do it.”

  They walked arm in arm for a few minutes, silent and thoughtful. All this was causing so much hassle, and it had left Jackie feeling anxious. Jill, on the other hand, was fuming. She was dying to ask Jackie why on earth their bank account was only in Bob’s name, but at the back of her mind, she already knew the answer. Both women had things to say to Bob when they saw him, and he was going to get a very full ear of it.

  Jackie said, “Do you fancy a coffee or something? I’m freezing.”

  “Why not?” Jill agreed. “Let’s go to our place, Fiona’s Tea Room. I can have a cigarette on the heated terrace.”

  Jill ordered a tea with lemon and Jackie ordered a cappuccino. There were some delicious-looking sticky buns, and Jackie was so tempted. All this anxiety had brought on the usual acidic bubbling in the pit of her stomach, but she held back. This time, she was absolutely determined to lose three stones and keep it off for a year. If she could do that, she reckoned she could lose another stone – always the hardest – and she vowed to stay at eleven stone until the day she croaked. She was sorely tempted to ask Jill what she weighed, but she didn’t think it would go down too well.

  Oh, what the hell.

  “Jill, do you know how much you weigh?”

  Jill puffed out a cloud of smoke and gave Jackie a sideways glance. “Why do you want to know?”

  Jackie shrugged. “I was just curious if you knew, that was all.” She sipped her cappuccino.

  “I know.” Jill puffed quickly and crossed her arms and a leg.

  So tell.”

  “No.”

  “Oh, go on.”

  “No.”

  “Okay, let me guess.” Jackie persisted.

  She eyed Jill up and down for a while, and Jill squirmed a little.

  “Jackie, leave it alone.” She waggled her foot.

  “Um… you’re five six, right?”

  Jill puffed on her cigarette and kept her eyes on the street in front of her.

  “Yep, you’re five six because I’m five four and I reach your fringe. So…”

  “Jackie…”

  “I reckon about eight and a half stone.”

  Jill stubbed out her cigarette and didn’t answer.

  “Am I right?”

  Jill sipped her tea.

  “Jill!”

  “Jackie,” she said quietly. “Sod off.”

  “Tell me.”

  “What difference would it make?”

  “I just want to know how much I should weigh.”

  Silence.

  “If I knew how much you weighed, then I could…”

  Jill slammed her hand on the table so hard that her teacup clattered on the saucer. “What? You want to use me as a gage or something? Or do you want to know how much I weigh so you can make yourself feel it’s useless to even attempt to diet and dive into a packet of chocolate éclairs? Is that it? Well, I’ll tell you where you have to lose weight, woman; off your complex! Get a fucking life, forget about weight and Bob and Mark and bloody everything! Think about yourself, what you want out of life and forget about everything else!”

  “Okay, I will if you will.” Jackie replied quietly.

  Jill looked at her dumfounded for a minute. “What?”

  “I will if you will.” She repeated. “You forget about your weight, about Terry, about Catwalk and work out what you want out of life.” She drained her cup. “When you think about it, girl, there isn’t a lot of difference between us.”

  Jill sat staring at her quizzically, wondering where all this was coming from.

  “Work it out,” Jackie continued. “We’re both overly preoccupied with our bodies. I eat too much to punish myself and you starve yourself for the same reason. You think that the only thing you have in your favour is your body, and I think everything is against me because of mine. That’s what you said, isn’t it?” she leaned over the table. “And, because of our preoccupation with our bodies, we’re heading in the same direction. What I say is that we’ll both shorten our lives because we don’t eat as we should, so what the fuck are we doing? Do we want to live a fun life till we’re ninety, or do we go with what society d
emands of us and suffer till we drop dead young from crappy diets, trying to do what other people think we should be doing?” she sat back feeling quite pleased with her little speech. “When you think about it, both our concepts suck.” She concluded with a shrug.

  Jill was looking at her from under hooded eyelids. Where on earth she’d dug up that little gem of philosophy from was a mystery, but, she had to be honest, she wasn’t far off the mark. “So what do you suggest?”

  “Well, I know I have to lose a few stones for health reasons, but I honestly think you should gain one or two for the same. If we could meet somewhere in the middle, then I think we’ll have cracked it.”

  “How do you mean, ‘meet in the middle’?”

  Jackie smiled mischievously. “Wouldn’t it be a hoot if we ended up weighing the same? We could share clothes for once.”

  Jill didn’t look as if she thought it would be a hoot, but Jackie goaded her a little further. “When was the last time you gorged yourself; I mean really ate till you couldn’t fit another morsel in your mouth?”

  Jill looked up at her fringe while she pretended to think, then she sighed dramatically. She really wasn’t in the mood for this. “I can’t remember.”

  “I dare you, right now, to order two doughnuts and eat them.”

  Jill gave Jackie a puzzled look. “Two? Why two?”

  “When have you ever eaten two of something you really enjoy?”

  “I don’t like doughnuts.” Jill retorted.

  “I bet you do.” Jackie counter-retorted

  Jill glared.

  “Go on, I dare you.” Jackie insisted. “Eat two doughnuts.”

  Jill quickly shook her head, dismissing the dare. “I can’t.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I would probably pump myself to a heart attack on the elliptic afterwards, that’s why.” she answered sarcastically.

  Jackie leaned back in her chair, giving up. “Alright, but until you get over your hang-ups, stop preaching to me.”

  Jill gave an irate tut and leaned over to Jackie and goaded her back. “Jackie, tell me why you would have to eat two doughnuts instead of one? Why would you think the amount you eat is the correct amount and what I eat isn’t enough? Have you not considered that your concept of how much you actually need to eat is just a teeny bit over the top?” she squared up her index finger and thumb with a quarter of an inch of space between them.

  It was Jackie’s turn to give an irate tut. “Your concept of how much you need to eat wouldn’t be enough to sustain that four foot Asian ten-year-old who’s wearing that size S skinny-rib jumper of yours.”

  Jill gave Jackie an ‘aren’t you the funny one’ sneer. “Well, you know that what I’m saying is purely common sense. It’s not preaching.”

  “Well, to me it sounds like preaching and smug preaching at that. ‘Do what I say, not what I do’ kind of thing.”

  Jill huffed and got up from the table to end the conversation. “Are you paying for this or am I?”

  “Are we going?”

  “Yes, we are.” Jill headed out of the terrace as she spoke.

  Jackie shook her head and smiled. “If you can’t take your own medicine, don’t play doctor.” She called out before going into the tea