The Fat And The Thin Of It Page 43

thing, is that it?”

  Jackie nodded.

  Raising her shoulders, Jill answered, “I’m not Mark’s mother; you are. I can’t tell you how to raise your kids, because if you ever tried to tell me how to raise Penny, I would verbally belt you one.”

  “Well,” Jackie huffed. “I’m not you and I’d like you to say something.” She sat looking at Jill expectantly, but Jill stayed silent. “I promise not to verbally belt you, okay? I just feel so bad about it that I need you to say something!” she pleaded.

  Jill pursed her lips. “Okay…” she weighed her words for a moment, then she slapped the table and looked at Jackie. “Right. In my humble and reluctant opinion, you did exactly what you had to do.” She leaned back and smiled.

  “Yeah, but why do you think that?” Jackie insisted.

  Jill puffed out her cheeks. She could sense Jackie wasn’t going to rest till she’d given an exact point of view. “Well, Mark isn’t studying, he wasn’t showing any intention of finding a job and he appears to be keeping unsavoury company…”

  “Unsavoury?”

  “Well, you said some were smoking spliffs, right?” Jackie nodded. “And this Teesha needs to take DNA tests from half the neighbourhood to find out who the father of her child is,” Jackie nodded again and rolled her eyes. “Then it’s not the ideal company, is it?” Jackie shook her head. “He was heading off the rails a bit, you’d agree with that,” Jackie nodded rapidly. “So, you had to do something before he headed off the rails and into the next county.” Jill spread her hands. “Ousting him and packing him off to Barbara’s was the best wake-up call you could give him, as she’s not the most loving of grandmothers…”

  “Or mother-in-laws, cynical old bitch.” Jackie interrupted. “She had the cheek to blame me for her ‘Robert’ running off with Triple F!”

  Jill patted the air to calm Jackie down and keep to the conversation at hand. “Right, so Mark’s not exactly enjoying himself. Richard’s agency is a Godsend, if you look at it objectively. He’s Mark’s uncle and he’ll give him a start at least. It’s really quite logical that he works there, when you think about it.” She wondered why Bob hadn’t thought about it, but she didn’t want to bring him up in this conversation. Jill presumed his head’s been more between Triple F’s legs than on his son for some time.

  Jackie shrugged. “True, actually. I don’t know why I hadn’t thought about it before.”

  Jill gave her a patient smile and sighed. “There you go again, blaming yourself. Jackie, my lovely love, you’ve played the role of mother and father for so long that you haven’t realised before now just how much you’d taken upon your shoulders…” Jackie was about to interrupt, but she’d asked for Jill’s opinion, so she was going to get it. “Let me finish. You feel it’s your responsibility what Mark does or doesn’t do, but he had a father up till a couple of weeks ago; so where was he when Mark was slouching around the house doing bugger all? Where was Bob to see the company he was getting into? Where was the strong father-figure to guide his son into doing something with his life?” ‘Shagging half the Iberian continent’, Jill thought, but she carried on how she meant to. “You were there, you saw it all, and you have now done what had to be done, so you’re fulfilling the responsibility that was shoved onto your shoulders. It hurts to discipline your kids and you would love them to come to their own sensible conclusions, but they’re not born with logic and common sense, in the majority of cases. They learn that from life and, fundamentally, from their parents. That’s why they hate us so much.” She took a breath and smiled. “If we, as parents, give them a push in one direction or another, it’s not that we’re trying to rule their lives, even though they, more often than not, see it that way. One thing is railroading them into something and another is guidance, and you’re guiding, love.”

  Jackie sat listening to Jill with quiet calm, but once Jill had finished, her face scrunched up again and tears welled up in her bloodshot eyes.

  “What’s wrong now?” Jill asked as she took her hand.

  “It’s just that…” Jackie struggled for words. “It’s just gets so scary, Jill.” She rubbed her eyes with yet another rough serviette. “I’m in my fifties, my husband has left me, and then there’s the Mark thing… I’m all alone with a huge responsibility and it’s all but branded on my forehead that I’ll die alone…” her face scrunched up further until her eyes disappeared.

  Jill pressed Jackie’s hand between hers. “You are not alone, love! You’ve got friends…”

  “I’ve only got you.”

  “Your parents are fit and healthy…”

  “And living in New Zealand for the past eight years.”

  “And you have a wonderful daughter…”

  “Who moved to Bath and I never get to talk to her unless I do the calling.”

  Jill stopped and sighed wearily. “Throw me a bone here and stop being so negative.”

  Jackie shrugged. “You forgot to mention my brother, who calls me on the phone at Christmas and on birthdays.” She tried to smile. “He lives in Dublin, though.”

  Jill had run out of arguments, so she sat quietly and massaged Jackie’s hand. It was icy on the terrace and a freezing breeze wafted around them from time to time, and the massaging helped to warm up both the women’s hands. They sat there for a moment in silence until Jackie pulled her hand away with a sigh.

  “I know it’s hard for you to understand how I feel, sweet, but thanks for trying.”

  Jill recoiled a little, feeling somewhat offended. “Well, I’m not exactly riding the crest of the wave, you know: I lost my job, and as I’m also in my fifties there’s no chance of me finding a similar position.” Thinking about the job situation again made her stomach tighten. “I can’t see myself as a receptionist or shop assistant on a perfume stall, so I’ve got to adapt to being inactive for the first time in my life.” She pulled out another cigarette to take her mind off the nervous itchiness that had crept over her skin, and had to light it by shielding the lighter with her coat.

  Jackie tutted impatiently. “What are you going on about, woman? All you have to do is rally round those companies and they’ll come rushing to your door! You’ve got nothing to worry about there. And,” she added with more than just a touch of bitterness. “Your marriage is better than ever!”

  Jill had forgotten that she hadn’t told Jackie the full saga. True, things were great with Terry, but she wondered how long she could keep up the passive housewife act before taking out her frustrations on him as always and rocking the boat again and without work to escape to, it could capsize and sink. She looked at Jackie’s tortured, panicky face and thought perhaps then was the time to tell her the full saga, to show her that they were both going through major shifts in their lives to try and lift her spirits, but she thought better of it. It would probably lower her spirits down to Jackie’s, and they’d both end up blubbering and breaking snot icicles off the end of their noses. She kept mum and decided to tell her at a later date. She dragged on her cigarette and blew out the smoke quickly.

  “True, Terry and I are better than ever.” She agreed before changing the subject. “Have you called Chloe, by the way?”

  It wasn’t exactly the right topic to have chosen. Jackie looked down at her twirling thumbs. “Nope.” She muttered.

  “Why? Shouldn’t you let her know what’s been going on?” Jackie continued the thumb-twirling. “When was the last time you called her?” Jackie still didn’t answer, so Jill prodded further. “Jill, you really should call Chloe: she should know and I think she’ll have a sympathetic ear. You could even go and visit her, couldn’t you?” the thought occurred to Jill as she spoke. “You haven’t been to see her since she moved to Bath because of Mark and stuff, so now would be a good opportunity, don’t you think?”

  Jackie gave a small, sad shrug. “I want to be able to tell her in a calm, rational way, Jill. Right now, I’ll rant and wail and give a very biased version of the facts and I have to remember that Bob is he
r father and she loves him.” She pulled out another serviette from the dispenser and tried to sound nonchalant. “Also, I was curious to see how long she’d wait before realising we hadn’t talked for a while and would call me for a change.”

  That tore at Jill’s heart, but she understood in part. Chloe had been just as spoilt as Mark and they shared the same opinion that Jackie and Bob’s world rotated round their children’s belly-buttons. “Maybe you should give her a gentle nudge, too. Try telling her that you would like her to contact you sometimes.”

  Jackie waved a dismissing hand. “Oh, she’s got better things to do, and she’s all wrapped up in getting herself into her job. I don’t expect her to think about things like that.”

  “Well, you should,” Jill answered vigorously. “And don’t be so dismissive about your place as a mother! Sometimes…” Jill stopped herself and sighed frustratedly. ‘This woman needs a double shot of confidence and self esteem up her backside’, she fumed, but she wasn’t sure how to go about it, as she could have done with a shot herself.

  Jill stubbed out her cigarette and turned her head to look for the waitress. “Come on, let’s get out of here. It’s too cold even for me to put up with, fags or not.”

  After Jill paid the bill the two women left and they walked arm in arm down the high street,